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I Used to Be....

I used to be, for the most part, a serious grudge holder. I mean when someone would do something, anything negative to me I would completely cut them off. Of course because of my nature I was always very vocal about 1. What they did, 2. Why it upset me 3. What I think they could have done instead and 4. What our relationship would be like from that point forward. I look back now and I imagine that I must have seemed like a crazy woman telling people that we were done and then explaining to them in great deal why and the consequences. Kind of like a parent scolding a toddler.
I think the reason why I get so hurt when people do me wrong is because I am a very very caring and generous person who does NOT wear their heart on their sleeve. Usually people tend to think that I am void of emotions. This always makes me laugh because I am an emotional mess. But, I’m not very vocal about this until I feel that I can completely trust you and that you will regard my feelings as serious muthafu*kin factors.  My feelings are nothing to play with. That’s why the people who I loved or cared about the most are the ones that I can rip apart with my words and my actions. If I don’t have feelings for you as a friend, or a lover I could give a rat’s ass less how you feel. I mean really – I simply don’t care. However, if you front as though you have my best interest at heart only to turn around and attack me – that’s a whole ‘nother story. Because then I feel like you purposely made me vulnerable.
See on top of not always being able to display my emotions, I’m also a very literal person. If you tell me you love me, I believe you. If you say that we’re friends, I believe you and I cherish that.  But on the flip side of that I do believe that actions speak louder than words so If you tell me we aren’t a together anymore but you continue to call, text, visit then I’m like wtf? And confusion like this will make me think you are purposely being devious and I will completely shut down and simply not give one-fourth of a fuck. Honestly. I will still interact with you but those interactions anything I say and do will not be attached to any emotions. One day I may say “I don’t know why we can’t still be together” and though I express this in a way that may make the person on the receiving end feel like I’m serious I’m not. Your response might solicit a counter response from me but truly when I’m done caring, I’m simply done caring. And that’s been dangerous for me because it becomes like a game all for shits and giggles. I’m trying to see if you’re serious , can I make a person react negatively or positively when they don’t want to, can I push them completely away or can I make them want me more? It’s a three ring circus, I tell you because there has been at least one occasion where I completely restarted a relationship – convinced someone that I never should have broken up with them and that we should give it another go and then one day I was like holy shit! We’re back together! No No No , when did this happen?  Don’t judge me – I’m nuts!
I was going somewhere the beginning of this post but I lost it – Don’t be mad, I don’t feel well. Good Night.


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