Skip to main content

I Used to Be....

I used to be, for the most part, a serious grudge holder. I mean when someone would do something, anything negative to me I would completely cut them off. Of course because of my nature I was always very vocal about 1. What they did, 2. Why it upset me 3. What I think they could have done instead and 4. What our relationship would be like from that point forward. I look back now and I imagine that I must have seemed like a crazy woman telling people that we were done and then explaining to them in great deal why and the consequences. Kind of like a parent scolding a toddler.
I think the reason why I get so hurt when people do me wrong is because I am a very very caring and generous person who does NOT wear their heart on their sleeve. Usually people tend to think that I am void of emotions. This always makes me laugh because I am an emotional mess. But, I’m not very vocal about this until I feel that I can completely trust you and that you will regard my feelings as serious muthafu*kin factors.  My feelings are nothing to play with. That’s why the people who I loved or cared about the most are the ones that I can rip apart with my words and my actions. If I don’t have feelings for you as a friend, or a lover I could give a rat’s ass less how you feel. I mean really – I simply don’t care. However, if you front as though you have my best interest at heart only to turn around and attack me – that’s a whole ‘nother story. Because then I feel like you purposely made me vulnerable.
See on top of not always being able to display my emotions, I’m also a very literal person. If you tell me you love me, I believe you. If you say that we’re friends, I believe you and I cherish that.  But on the flip side of that I do believe that actions speak louder than words so If you tell me we aren’t a together anymore but you continue to call, text, visit then I’m like wtf? And confusion like this will make me think you are purposely being devious and I will completely shut down and simply not give one-fourth of a fuck. Honestly. I will still interact with you but those interactions anything I say and do will not be attached to any emotions. One day I may say “I don’t know why we can’t still be together” and though I express this in a way that may make the person on the receiving end feel like I’m serious I’m not. Your response might solicit a counter response from me but truly when I’m done caring, I’m simply done caring. And that’s been dangerous for me because it becomes like a game all for shits and giggles. I’m trying to see if you’re serious , can I make a person react negatively or positively when they don’t want to, can I push them completely away or can I make them want me more? It’s a three ring circus, I tell you because there has been at least one occasion where I completely restarted a relationship – convinced someone that I never should have broken up with them and that we should give it another go and then one day I was like holy shit! We’re back together! No No No , when did this happen?  Don’t judge me – I’m nuts!
I was going somewhere the beginning of this post but I lost it – Don’t be mad, I don’t feel well. Good Night.


Popular posts from this blog

10 Things That Make Me Happy

In an effort to write more and post more on my blog (once again) I am going to start sharing writing prompts on my Facebook page. I'm sharing them with my friends because I truly believe in the calming power of writing and if I can encourage just one person to write then I've done my job. So here you have it' 10 Things That Make Me Happy: In No Particular Order 

Motherhood. Without out a single ounce of exaggeration, I live for my kids. I am consistently plagued with feelings of loathing and self doubt but I know that I brought these little people into the world and that I'm responsible for them. Because I feel that I have the responsibility to put on a brave face for so many other people no one will every fully understand the demons I fight on a regular basis. My children are my protectors. If it weren't for them I would have lost my battle to at least one a long time ago. 

Creating. Ya'll know I love to craft. My love for craft gives me a sense of accomplishmen…

Random Thoughts: Social Media Lies

Here are three random thoughts that are loosely related: 
Lying on social media should be considered a crime. You're on here making folks feel inferior; wishing their lives were as 'exciting' as yours when what you're presenting is only part of the story and sometimes it's just the part you made up. Some one recently commented on one of my photos "who does your hair because it looks good one every photo" Now, is my hair ALWAYS done? Hell nawl...but I aint taking and posting pictures when it's not. One of my recent boyfriend is all over social media with his new girlfriend. If I think about it long enough my feelings are a little hurt because one of the main things we constantly bumped heads about was social media...him flirting with other girls, we weren't friends on FB and I can't remember him EVER mentioning me or our relationship on social media. But here's the thing, despite him publicly showing how in love he is with this girl he is …

Weight Loss Check In- Week 1 - Days 1 thru 7

Starting Weight: 290 according to the new scale.
Target Weight: My initial target weight for the end of week one was 282 lbs. but that was when I thought I weighed 285.
Current Weight: 287
Next Target Weight: 285 - kinda feels like I'll be 2 weeks behind.
How Many To Lose: 2lbs. Hopefully I'll lose more.
Overall Goal Weight: 175
Overall Need to Lose: 112 Good LORD!

This week I started with meal replacement shakes. My will power was not strong! I was able to do the shakes 3 full days, meaning I had one for breakfast and one for lunch with a sensible dinner. I purchased both Slimfast and Atkins and have been having the Slimfast shakes for breakfast and the Atkins shakes for lunch. I would say that those are to credit for the 2 lb weight loss because I didn't all - just tried to move around more. This upcoming week I am going to do the meal replacements Monday -Thursday and see how many pounds I lose.

Even though the scale didn't move much I do have so…