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Woe Is Me...

     I'm sitting at work, well after quitting time thinking about what a disaster 2012 has been. When I wrote this post at the beginning of the year I was beyond optimistic about what 2012 would mean for me. I had my goals, I laid them out for you guys and then things fell to shit. Basically. In a nut shell. I'd actually been put into a quite shitty situation a few months before that and yet I remained optimistic. I 2012 I was homeless (only a slight exaggeration here), car-less  fat, nappy headed, single , broke, depressed, moody, bitchy, thought about becoming jobless and 147% motivation-less  Hotmess.GOV (so you know it's real). My spirit was broken, thus I was broken. I can't really pinpoint what it was that made me that way.

     Not knowing how I got to be so UUUUUUGGGGH on made it worse because I am a person who NEEDS to know things, with no regards to how trivial, irrelevant or like this question important to my life they may seem (Why you talking to that loser? Why did she wear that shirt? Why did you think we would make a cute couple? Why yo cousin go to jail? Why don't you like cheese?)

      I attribute it to a lot of wickedly evil shit happening to me in 2011 which boiled over to 2012 and the not so positive things that happened to me then. In 2011,a loss someone who I once considered to be a really close ally. No they didn't die, but I could no longer communicate with this person who had gotten me to open up about things that no one else had.  I can't say the end of the friendship as abrupt or anything - I think I always knew it wasn't something that would last. But I hoped against odds that everything bad about ( and it was bad) would someone turn out to be good. Like when people sell drugs, become rappers, then record label execs who give back to the hood ten fold (ala Jay-Z). 

     Any-who the demise of that hot mess train wreck left me questioning the person that I really was because wanted hat person to continue to be my friend made me feel like a bad person so I taught myself to hate them which also made me a bad person. So all of this had me second guessing the kind of person I am. Would I really want several people to be unhappy just so I can be happy? Don't worry - I am now convinced that I am indeed a good person who for some reason made a few not so good decisions based on information that was given to me that may or may not have been true.

     2011 also brought along the great townhouse debacle in which I kinda, sorta HAD to move from my happy home and live with others. I liked my little apartment and I guess if my boys had not already been living in Texas, I would have fought a little harder but at the time I had no fight so I moved and went about things the legal way. And though it took almost a year - that hot mess is behind me and I have gracious and loving friends and family so even when I didn't have a 'home'; I've always felt at home. And it's true that everything happens for a reason and I believe my added presence in these people's lives and homes not only helped me but helped them also.

     Then in February my little brother was driving my car and got into an accident that cause damage that was halfway between minor and major. There were issues with insurance and the tow/storage yard and a repair shop. I finally got that situation almost settled so I'm feeling better about that. It's been not only hard but impossible to get a new car while paying for an old unusable piece of crap.
     At one point I thought skipping town would have been the best solution but my job keeps me here. I LOVE it!.

     Anyway - I  wrote this post for several reasons:

1. To prep you ninjas for when I bust out my 2013 goals list.
2. To remind myself that there is always a silver lining
3. Because I need to write in this damn blog.

Oh, it's okay if you laughed at my trails and tribulations  I want you to laugh.  I hope someone who has been in or is in a similar situation runs across this post and realizes that it'll be alright. Things will get better and they could always be worse. I know that although 2012 has been tough, there's someone somewhere looking at my life and wanting to trade.

So share with me, have you been through a tough time? How do you maintain?

Peace and Love good people.



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